he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
