Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
