i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
