Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
