I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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