we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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