please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
