I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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