I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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