we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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