Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
