Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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