An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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