you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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