I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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