It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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