Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
