I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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