it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
