he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
