Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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