My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
