mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
