she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
