i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
