i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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