either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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