I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
