I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
