The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
