glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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