Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
