I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
