Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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