it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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