TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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