I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
soo... how was my night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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