All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
