We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
