This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
