What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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