what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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