mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
