Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
