So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
