I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
