i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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