tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
