what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
