I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
